they'll be many more to come...not sure about many...but more.
enjoy!!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
comic strip
ok...my very good friend Holly likes to do drawrings. and she's pretty damn good at it. she sends me these and i think they are hilarious and i told her i would post them in my blog. because i want everyone to experience her wonderful humorous talent. and i'm trying to pimp her out too. (we'll discuss later.)
they'll be many more to come...not sure about many...but more.
enjoy!!
they'll be many more to come...not sure about many...but more.
enjoy!!
angry shana
i have been feeling a bit...guess the word would be annoyed, but that's not exactly the feeling i have. agitated...yeah, a bit. angry. grrrr....
exactly.
i have a few things to get off my chest....pull up a chair, grab a tissue, stay a while. but hold on...these may sting a bit.
miscarriages. get over it.
I read today that one of my friends suffered a miscarriage last year. and it angered me. ok, i know everyone grieves in their own way, and i respect that. and i'm not hear to blast her about it, but i need to release MY emotions about it. if she's reading this...i'm sorry. I'm sorry if you interpet this blog about being about you. it is not. and i'm not trying to say you're wrong for this or that...it triggered an emotion in me and it's eating me up. I'm sorry for your loss. i really am. i really hope you can have more children and that this brings you closer to God, and you have every right to feel the way you do. and i applaud you for the way you are handling it. BUT...my issues are MY own. and I am having a hard time dealing w/them lately. and hearing about the way people have the "whoa is me, i had a miscarriage, life is not the same" attitude just sent me over the edge. they have every right to feel that way. that is the way THEY feel. and maybe i should feel the same way, but i can't. i suffered a miscarriage too. 2 years ago. if my body was working the way normal bodies do and actually kept this being inside, i would have had a child of my own. and not feel the way i do. bitter. guess that's the word i was looking for...I...AM...BITTER. do i have that right? i feel like a failure. i feel like this is the message God is sending me...I am not fit enough to bear children. Somewhere in my life, I screwed up, and this is my punishment. okokokok...i can already hear the majority of you chiming in with your "oh no sweetie, you didn't do anything wrong" and your "your time will come" and lets not forget the "God has a plan for you" speeches. i have heard them all. and it sucks. and i do not want to hear them anymore. i want results. and i feel worthless. i feel like i don't deserve to have self pity. ok, there it is. jealousy. i am jealous that other people get to have the "feel sorry for me" attitude and people actually do feel sorry for them and give them encouraging words and what not...but it feels like i don't get that chance. i feel like once i do start feeling the "why me" feelings, that i don't deserve them. that i should just shut them down. so they go away. why? why does that happen?
pregnancies. shaddup.
prayer. does it really work? how much do i have to pray? how long until prayers are heard? i have prayed my heart out. just once...oh, yeah...it did. i have prayed to God, to gods, to loved ones that i gave up. that's it...done. thrown in the towel. because it's not even worth my energy, my time. and everywhere i turn...somebody is pregnant. everyone but me. why? and then i go to the dr and we do all these expensive procedures and everything looks great but nothing. nothing. not a goddamn thing. because it is me. yet little miss got no money no job no husband over there decides it's ok to go clubbin and then bang any dude that looks her way and BAM...pregnant. and i have to pay for it. my taxes go towards that kids medical bills and i raise that kid until they become parents themselves. i have to pay for them...but no one helps me out. i give up. angry. hateful. disgusted. pathetic. all these describe how i feel about myself right now. can't help it. fuck it. too much. i hate being bitter. hate being hateful. i only wish joy and happiness and great things to all my friends and family who are expecting...but i can't seem to do it. as i sit here at my laptop, fingers flying furiously over the keyboard, tears silently falling from my unused tear ducts and a chocolate milk on my table (no wine...damn, maybe i should go buy a bottle) i wonder, what if...what if my one and only pregnancy actually resulted in a live birth? what kind of mother would i be? would i be so bitter?
whaaat?? you talkin' to me??
am i selfish? is it selfish of me to think of only me? what about my husband? i long for him to be a father. and that, i think that's what hurts the worst. for him to stand by and watch me rip myself apart. he knows i blame myself. but as stubborn as i am, what can he do? he blames himself, bc you know it takes 2 to make a thing go right. right? yeah it does...but my wrongs outweigh his wrongs. he deserves to have children. and it downright pains me that i cannot give him any. what kind of wife am i? i can't even do that right. i can't mope. i did for a minute, after the miscarriage, but i dusted myself off and busied myself in work. had to. if i didn't...who knows. i do sometimes think i'd be better off dead. but then i erase that feeling. oh no, i can't have suicidal thoughts...that is something other people do. but i feel worthless. those depressing feelings of "what's it all about"...those "why am i even here" feelings sometimes get the best of me. but then hope shows up. hope. don't see that emotion much, but glad you stopped by..hey, hows it been? that guy shows up just in time. and then sometimes i think...i just have too much time alone with my thoughts. i need to busy myself. and thus, that stupid vicious cycle again.
and there boys and girls, is my turmoil. my anger get the best of me. and i blow up at people who don't deserve my wrath. and i don't mean to be mean. i hate feeling this way. it angers me that i am angry. ugh.
exactly.
i have a few things to get off my chest....pull up a chair, grab a tissue, stay a while. but hold on...these may sting a bit.
miscarriages. get over it.
I read today that one of my friends suffered a miscarriage last year. and it angered me. ok, i know everyone grieves in their own way, and i respect that. and i'm not hear to blast her about it, but i need to release MY emotions about it. if she's reading this...i'm sorry. I'm sorry if you interpet this blog about being about you. it is not. and i'm not trying to say you're wrong for this or that...it triggered an emotion in me and it's eating me up. I'm sorry for your loss. i really am. i really hope you can have more children and that this brings you closer to God, and you have every right to feel the way you do. and i applaud you for the way you are handling it. BUT...my issues are MY own. and I am having a hard time dealing w/them lately. and hearing about the way people have the "whoa is me, i had a miscarriage, life is not the same" attitude just sent me over the edge. they have every right to feel that way. that is the way THEY feel. and maybe i should feel the same way, but i can't. i suffered a miscarriage too. 2 years ago. if my body was working the way normal bodies do and actually kept this being inside, i would have had a child of my own. and not feel the way i do. bitter. guess that's the word i was looking for...I...AM...BITTER. do i have that right? i feel like a failure. i feel like this is the message God is sending me...I am not fit enough to bear children. Somewhere in my life, I screwed up, and this is my punishment. okokokok...i can already hear the majority of you chiming in with your "oh no sweetie, you didn't do anything wrong" and your "your time will come" and lets not forget the "God has a plan for you" speeches. i have heard them all. and it sucks. and i do not want to hear them anymore. i want results. and i feel worthless. i feel like i don't deserve to have self pity. ok, there it is. jealousy. i am jealous that other people get to have the "feel sorry for me" attitude and people actually do feel sorry for them and give them encouraging words and what not...but it feels like i don't get that chance. i feel like once i do start feeling the "why me" feelings, that i don't deserve them. that i should just shut them down. so they go away. why? why does that happen?
pregnancies. shaddup.
prayer. does it really work? how much do i have to pray? how long until prayers are heard? i have prayed my heart out. just once...oh, yeah...it did. i have prayed to God, to gods, to loved ones that i gave up. that's it...done. thrown in the towel. because it's not even worth my energy, my time. and everywhere i turn...somebody is pregnant. everyone but me. why? and then i go to the dr and we do all these expensive procedures and everything looks great but nothing. nothing. not a goddamn thing. because it is me. yet little miss got no money no job no husband over there decides it's ok to go clubbin and then bang any dude that looks her way and BAM...pregnant. and i have to pay for it. my taxes go towards that kids medical bills and i raise that kid until they become parents themselves. i have to pay for them...but no one helps me out. i give up. angry. hateful. disgusted. pathetic. all these describe how i feel about myself right now. can't help it. fuck it. too much. i hate being bitter. hate being hateful. i only wish joy and happiness and great things to all my friends and family who are expecting...but i can't seem to do it. as i sit here at my laptop, fingers flying furiously over the keyboard, tears silently falling from my unused tear ducts and a chocolate milk on my table (no wine...damn, maybe i should go buy a bottle) i wonder, what if...what if my one and only pregnancy actually resulted in a live birth? what kind of mother would i be? would i be so bitter?
whaaat?? you talkin' to me??
am i selfish? is it selfish of me to think of only me? what about my husband? i long for him to be a father. and that, i think that's what hurts the worst. for him to stand by and watch me rip myself apart. he knows i blame myself. but as stubborn as i am, what can he do? he blames himself, bc you know it takes 2 to make a thing go right. right? yeah it does...but my wrongs outweigh his wrongs. he deserves to have children. and it downright pains me that i cannot give him any. what kind of wife am i? i can't even do that right. i can't mope. i did for a minute, after the miscarriage, but i dusted myself off and busied myself in work. had to. if i didn't...who knows. i do sometimes think i'd be better off dead. but then i erase that feeling. oh no, i can't have suicidal thoughts...that is something other people do. but i feel worthless. those depressing feelings of "what's it all about"...those "why am i even here" feelings sometimes get the best of me. but then hope shows up. hope. don't see that emotion much, but glad you stopped by..hey, hows it been? that guy shows up just in time. and then sometimes i think...i just have too much time alone with my thoughts. i need to busy myself. and thus, that stupid vicious cycle again.
and there boys and girls, is my turmoil. my anger get the best of me. and i blow up at people who don't deserve my wrath. and i don't mean to be mean. i hate feeling this way. it angers me that i am angry. ugh.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Smokey & me
this one's a long one.
and a tearjerker. be warned.
Sooooo,
my day has been full. My 1st born doggie Smokey had minor surgery yesterday to remove a tumor from his eyelid. and since he is an elderly gent there were some concerns. Due to his age and his heart problems, Doc Brown (seriously...that's his name. he chuckles every time i call him that. or maybe b/c i check out his wranglers. only vet i know that wears wranglers and boots to the office. no complaints here.) anyways, Doc Brown tells me they were concerned so they gave Mr. Smokey a sedative (I wanna be sedated!!!) instead of knocking him completely out. came to pick him up later that day and Smokey was higher than a kite. actually that's how he got his name. heehee. so my poor boy is back home recuperating from this ordeal and it just saddens my heart to hear him whimper. his back legs aren't working all that great today and i just wanna grab him up in my arms and cuddle his widdle head and tell my smokey that momma's here and it's alright. but i can't b/c he's heavy and i don't want to hurt him. i cried like a baby last night putting him in his doggie bed. had to coax him b/c he had no idea what was going on. he was stoned, but not in the 'hey guys look, my dog is stoned' funny kind of way. my smokey...is my baby. and i can't lose my baby yet.
ah yes...here we go driving down memory lane.
oh he was just a wee little lad when we adopted him so many years ago. I can remember the day we took him home, he was shaking like a leaf. so scared. but then he found that he came home to a big yard, many toys and parents who would love him as if he were their own child. b/c you see, he was. I have tried over 10 years to conceive.
I have struggled since day one of being married with trying to get pregnant. and I have tried almost everything. I have tried fertility drugs, artificial insemination, some quack method that uses stickers and checking your sticky stuff (too gross to go into), and InVitro Fertilization. Dr's have tried to help but nothing sticks. I have PCOS and endometriosis. and all i want is to have children. to have a family with my husband. and i feel like such a failure as a wife and a woman. It took many years to find a competent doctor who recognizes what I have been thru and understands. I have one now. Dr. Eli Reshef is a Godsend. but he can't perform miracles. within 3 months of finding him and he treating me, I got pregnant. but suffered a miscarriage. it was the most painful moment in my life. i fell into more of a deep depression b/c I felt that I could not even keep a baby in my body, how worthless was I?!
all through these painful and depressing incidents, my smokey dog has been with me to comfort me all the way. he has been my baby. and it pains me to see him in pain. so i baby him in these last few years i have left with him. when my sister passed away suddenly, he laid at my feet. he looks up at me with his precious puppy dog eyes and i fall in love with his cute little dog face all over again. me and smokey...we are family. ever since he was a puppy, he has brought smiles to our family. he loved running and jumping fences but especially loved riding in our boat. he had his own seat on the boat. Kevy would drive and smokey and me would sit in the back soaking up the sun. his dog ears flapping and my hair swinging in the wind. he loved playing w/me in the backyard. the backyard was littered with his rawhide bones and stuffed animals and holes b/c smokey was a digger. i twisted my knee playing w/him b/c i fell into one of those said holes.
I dread the day that my Smokey dog leaves me. leaves us. my boy. I long for him to be able to run and jump again. to chase squirrels who wonder aimlessly into his yard. to tell those pesky meter checking guys to stay out of his yard! one day, he will be able to do all these things. he will be able to run. so fast. run and run and run in those lush green fields. he will have all the rawhide and pizza bones any dog could desire. he would have the fluffiest dog bed and have his belly rubbed at a moment's notice. he will not have to suffer through another stupid bath in the tub but just run through a sprinkler instead and be clean. everyday will be a picnic with all the hotdogs one can eat. no more fleas eating at his skin. no more ticks sucking the life out of him. no more vets poking at him. he will be in Heaven. Doggie Heaven. with all my loved ones who also loved him. my sister will be his vet. and she will love him for me. she will walk him around Heaven and show him off to all the angels and they will coo and sing at how cute this black and white face shines. and his tail will just wag and wag and wag. and he will smile. i hope he smiles down at me. and i will smile up at him. knowing he is safe again...in Doggie Heaven.
and a tearjerker. be warned.
Sooooo,
my day has been full. My 1st born doggie Smokey had minor surgery yesterday to remove a tumor from his eyelid. and since he is an elderly gent there were some concerns. Due to his age and his heart problems, Doc Brown (seriously...that's his name. he chuckles every time i call him that. or maybe b/c i check out his wranglers. only vet i know that wears wranglers and boots to the office. no complaints here.) anyways, Doc Brown tells me they were concerned so they gave Mr. Smokey a sedative (I wanna be sedated!!!) instead of knocking him completely out. came to pick him up later that day and Smokey was higher than a kite. actually that's how he got his name. heehee. so my poor boy is back home recuperating from this ordeal and it just saddens my heart to hear him whimper. his back legs aren't working all that great today and i just wanna grab him up in my arms and cuddle his widdle head and tell my smokey that momma's here and it's alright. but i can't b/c he's heavy and i don't want to hurt him. i cried like a baby last night putting him in his doggie bed. had to coax him b/c he had no idea what was going on. he was stoned, but not in the 'hey guys look, my dog is stoned' funny kind of way. my smokey...is my baby. and i can't lose my baby yet.
ah yes...here we go driving down memory lane.
oh he was just a wee little lad when we adopted him so many years ago. I can remember the day we took him home, he was shaking like a leaf. so scared. but then he found that he came home to a big yard, many toys and parents who would love him as if he were their own child. b/c you see, he was. I have tried over 10 years to conceive.
I have struggled since day one of being married with trying to get pregnant. and I have tried almost everything. I have tried fertility drugs, artificial insemination, some quack method that uses stickers and checking your sticky stuff (too gross to go into), and InVitro Fertilization. Dr's have tried to help but nothing sticks. I have PCOS and endometriosis. and all i want is to have children. to have a family with my husband. and i feel like such a failure as a wife and a woman. It took many years to find a competent doctor who recognizes what I have been thru and understands. I have one now. Dr. Eli Reshef is a Godsend. but he can't perform miracles. within 3 months of finding him and he treating me, I got pregnant. but suffered a miscarriage. it was the most painful moment in my life. i fell into more of a deep depression b/c I felt that I could not even keep a baby in my body, how worthless was I?!
but not yet, sweet little prince...not yet.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Summertime
Oh Summertime...
how I love thee. the season of the cookouts. when everyday the tv is tuned to the Food Network on how to perfect your grilling. Bobby Flay speaking my kind of language. yes, my kind of day. I love to eat. I do enjoy creating new dishes, trying out new recipes, but especially love to eat. I don't grill much, or for that matter cook much either. But I do enjoy when my husband grills. my doggies love it just as much as i do. Perfect day: Kevy grilling ribs/brisket/whatever...lounging in my inflatable pool (when it is at my house) with a nice cold margarita in hand, dogs laying around waiting for a hot dog to be thrown their way, my tunes blaring on my radio and of course, no pesky insects ruining my day. ah bliss...why must you stray from me?? and what is 4th of July without the good old American cookout?!
This 4th of July I am thankful for being an American. Thankful that I am legal and not in danger of deportation. Thankful that my family is safe and together this year. Thankful that all the freedoms I have due to our brave military. I am honored to have a wonderful brave American hero such as my dad who served in the USAF. Thankful to all my friends and family who serve and have served in the military. and of course I am thankful for AIR CONDITIONING!! ooooooowheeeee, it is hot!!! even my dogs look at me crazy when i ask if they wanna go outside. I wanna go hang out on my porch, but my pool is missing so i can't go for a dip. (right now, it's at my bff's house b/c we both wanted to get in my pool one hot day. I just haven't recovered it from her house yet.) and i do not have any desire cleaning out my doggies pool just so i can get wet.
I need to vent...but only for a little bit...
PUNK ASS KIDS IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD!!!...QUIT POPPIN OFF YOUR FIREWORKS AT 2 IN THE MORNING!!! I can't get any sleep!!! My dog Bandit is freaking the f@#* out b/c of the firecrackers and is keeping us up. This bitch thinks she's a lapdog and tries to haul her 80+ lbs onto my lap to hide from the noise. really??!!!! and the one time the cops aren't in my neighborhood is when all these hooligans are popping them off. and btw...pull yo damn pants up! don't nobody wanna see your dirty drawers hanging out yo pants!! who thinks that is sexy???!!! i know i don't!! no chic is gonna think "wow, look at his pants falling down to his knees! I like the way he has to pull up his pants when he runs. that's my man!!" no! the only people who think that is sexy are in prison...looking for a prison wife. there....I'm done.
shout out:
Texadelphia in Bricktown...yum. I got the Okie Burger b/c it has fried pickles in it. That's right, FRIED PICKLES ON MY BURGER!! and every time i get anything from there, i never can finish it. filled me up!!! i had an absolute craving for a good burger and that hit the spot.
until next time America...
how I love thee. the season of the cookouts. when everyday the tv is tuned to the Food Network on how to perfect your grilling. Bobby Flay speaking my kind of language. yes, my kind of day. I love to eat. I do enjoy creating new dishes, trying out new recipes, but especially love to eat. I don't grill much, or for that matter cook much either. But I do enjoy when my husband grills. my doggies love it just as much as i do. Perfect day: Kevy grilling ribs/brisket/whatever...lounging in my inflatable pool (when it is at my house) with a nice cold margarita in hand, dogs laying around waiting for a hot dog to be thrown their way, my tunes blaring on my radio and of course, no pesky insects ruining my day. ah bliss...why must you stray from me?? and what is 4th of July without the good old American cookout?!
This 4th of July I am thankful for being an American. Thankful that I am legal and not in danger of deportation. Thankful that my family is safe and together this year. Thankful that all the freedoms I have due to our brave military. I am honored to have a wonderful brave American hero such as my dad who served in the USAF. Thankful to all my friends and family who serve and have served in the military. and of course I am thankful for AIR CONDITIONING!! ooooooowheeeee, it is hot!!! even my dogs look at me crazy when i ask if they wanna go outside. I wanna go hang out on my porch, but my pool is missing so i can't go for a dip. (right now, it's at my bff's house b/c we both wanted to get in my pool one hot day. I just haven't recovered it from her house yet.) and i do not have any desire cleaning out my doggies pool just so i can get wet.
I need to vent...but only for a little bit...
PUNK ASS KIDS IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD!!!...QUIT POPPIN OFF YOUR FIREWORKS AT 2 IN THE MORNING!!! I can't get any sleep!!! My dog Bandit is freaking the f@#* out b/c of the firecrackers and is keeping us up. This bitch thinks she's a lapdog and tries to haul her 80+ lbs onto my lap to hide from the noise. really??!!!! and the one time the cops aren't in my neighborhood is when all these hooligans are popping them off. and btw...pull yo damn pants up! don't nobody wanna see your dirty drawers hanging out yo pants!! who thinks that is sexy???!!! i know i don't!! no chic is gonna think "wow, look at his pants falling down to his knees! I like the way he has to pull up his pants when he runs. that's my man!!" no! the only people who think that is sexy are in prison...looking for a prison wife. there....I'm done.
shout out:
Texadelphia in Bricktown...yum. I got the Okie Burger b/c it has fried pickles in it. That's right, FRIED PICKLES ON MY BURGER!! and every time i get anything from there, i never can finish it. filled me up!!! i had an absolute craving for a good burger and that hit the spot.
until next time America...
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