Smokey & me

this one's a long one.
and a tearjerker.  be warned.
Sooooo,

my day has been full.  My 1st born doggie Smokey had minor surgery yesterday to remove a tumor from his eyelid.  and since he is an elderly gent there were some concerns.  Due to his age and his heart problems, Doc Brown (seriously...that's his name.  he chuckles every time i call him that. or maybe b/c i check out his wranglers.  only vet i know that wears wranglers and boots to the office.  no complaints here.) anyways, Doc Brown tells me they were concerned so they gave Mr. Smokey a sedative (I wanna be sedated!!!) instead of knocking him completely out.  came to pick him up later that day and Smokey was higher than a kite.  actually that's how he got his name.  heehee.  so my poor boy is back home recuperating from this ordeal and it just saddens my heart to hear him whimper.  his back legs aren't working all that great today and i just wanna grab him up in my arms and cuddle his widdle head and tell my smokey that momma's here and it's alright.  but i can't b/c he's heavy and i don't want to hurt him.  i cried like a baby last night putting him in his doggie bed.  had to coax him b/c he had no idea what was going on.  he was stoned, but not in the 'hey guys look, my dog is stoned' funny kind of way.  my smokey...is my baby.  and i can't lose my baby yet. 

ah yes...here we go driving down memory lane.

oh he was just a wee little lad when we adopted him so many years ago.  I can remember the day we took him home, he was shaking like a leaf.  so scared.  but then he found that he came home to a big yard, many toys and parents who would love him as if he were their own child.  b/c you see, he was.  I have tried over 10 years to conceive. 

I have struggled since day one of being married with trying to get pregnant.  and I have tried almost everything.  I have tried fertility drugs, artificial insemination, some quack method that uses stickers and checking your sticky stuff (too gross to go into), and InVitro Fertilization.  Dr's have tried to help but nothing sticks.  I have PCOS and endometriosis.  and all i want is to have children.  to have a family with my husband.  and i feel like such a failure as a wife and a woman.  It took many years to find a competent doctor who recognizes what I have been thru and understands.  I have one now.  Dr. Eli Reshef is a Godsend.  but he can't perform miracles.  within 3 months of finding him and he treating me, I got pregnant.  but suffered a miscarriage.  it was the most painful moment in my life.  i fell into more of a deep depression b/c I felt that I could not even keep a baby in my body, how worthless was I?! 

all through these painful and depressing incidents, my smokey dog has been with me to comfort me all the way.  he has been my baby.  and it pains me to see him in pain.  so i baby him in these last few years i have left with him.  when my sister passed away suddenly, he laid at my feet.  he looks up at me with his precious puppy dog eyes and i fall in love with his cute little dog face all over again.  me and smokey...we are family.  ever since he was a puppy, he has brought smiles to our family.  he loved running and jumping fences but especially loved riding in our boat.  he had his own seat on the boat.  Kevy would drive and smokey and me would sit in the back soaking up the sun.  his dog ears flapping and my hair swinging in the wind.  he loved playing w/me in the backyard.  the backyard was littered with his rawhide bones and stuffed animals and holes b/c smokey was a digger.  i twisted my knee playing w/him b/c i fell into one of those said holes. 

I dread the day that my Smokey dog leaves me.  leaves us.  my boy.  I long for him to be able to run and jump again.  to chase squirrels who wonder aimlessly into his yard.  to tell those pesky meter checking guys to stay out of his yard!  one day, he will be able to do all these things.  he will be able to run.  so fast.  run and run and run in those lush green fields.  he will have all the rawhide and pizza bones any dog could desire.  he would have the fluffiest dog bed and have his belly rubbed at a moment's notice.  he will not have to suffer through another stupid bath in the tub but just run through a sprinkler instead and be clean.  everyday will be a picnic with all the hotdogs one can eat.  no more fleas eating at his skin.  no more ticks sucking the life out of him.  no more vets poking at him.  he will be in Heaven.  Doggie Heaven.  with all my loved ones who also loved him.  my sister will be his vet.  and she will love him for me.  she will walk him around Heaven and show him off to all the angels and they will coo and sing at how cute this black and white face shines.  and his tail will just wag and wag and wag.  and he will smile.  i hope he smiles down at me.  and i will smile up at him.  knowing he is safe again...in Doggie Heaven.

 but not yet, sweet little prince...not yet.