exactly.
i have a few things to get off my chest....pull up a chair, grab a tissue, stay a while. but hold on...these may sting a bit.
miscarriages. get over it.
I read today that one of my friends suffered a miscarriage last year. and it angered me. ok, i know everyone grieves in their own way, and i respect that. and i'm not hear to blast her about it, but i need to release MY emotions about it. if she's reading this...i'm sorry. I'm sorry if you interpet this blog about being about you. it is not. and i'm not trying to say you're wrong for this or that...it triggered an emotion in me and it's eating me up. I'm sorry for your loss. i really am. i really hope you can have more children and that this brings you closer to God, and you have every right to feel the way you do. and i applaud you for the way you are handling it. BUT...my issues are MY own. and I am having a hard time dealing w/them lately. and hearing about the way people have the "whoa is me, i had a miscarriage, life is not the same" attitude just sent me over the edge. they have every right to feel that way. that is the way THEY feel. and maybe i should feel the same way, but i can't. i suffered a miscarriage too. 2 years ago. if my body was working the way normal bodies do and actually kept this being inside, i would have had a child of my own. and not feel the way i do. bitter. guess that's the word i was looking for...I...AM...BITTER. do i have that right? i feel like a failure. i feel like this is the message God is sending me...I am not fit enough to bear children. Somewhere in my life, I screwed up, and this is my punishment. okokokok...i can already hear the majority of you chiming in with your "oh no sweetie, you didn't do anything wrong" and your "your time will come" and lets not forget the "God has a plan for you" speeches. i have heard them all. and it sucks. and i do not want to hear them anymore. i want results. and i feel worthless. i feel like i don't deserve to have self pity. ok, there it is. jealousy. i am jealous that other people get to have the "feel sorry for me" attitude and people actually do feel sorry for them and give them encouraging words and what not...but it feels like i don't get that chance. i feel like once i do start feeling the "why me" feelings, that i don't deserve them. that i should just shut them down. so they go away. why? why does that happen?
pregnancies. shaddup.
prayer. does it really work? how much do i have to pray? how long until prayers are heard? i have prayed my heart out. just once...oh, yeah...it did. i have prayed to God, to gods, to loved ones that i gave up. that's it...done. thrown in the towel. because it's not even worth my energy, my time. and everywhere i turn...somebody is pregnant. everyone but me. why? and then i go to the dr and we do all these expensive procedures and everything looks great but nothing. nothing. not a goddamn thing. because it is me. yet little miss got no money no job no husband over there decides it's ok to go clubbin and then bang any dude that looks her way and BAM...pregnant. and i have to pay for it. my taxes go towards that kids medical bills and i raise that kid until they become parents themselves. i have to pay for them...but no one helps me out. i give up. angry. hateful. disgusted. pathetic. all these describe how i feel about myself right now. can't help it. fuck it. too much. i hate being bitter. hate being hateful. i only wish joy and happiness and great things to all my friends and family who are expecting...but i can't seem to do it. as i sit here at my laptop, fingers flying furiously over the keyboard, tears silently falling from my unused tear ducts and a chocolate milk on my table (no wine...damn, maybe i should go buy a bottle) i wonder, what if...what if my one and only pregnancy actually resulted in a live birth? what kind of mother would i be? would i be so bitter?
whaaat?? you talkin' to me??
am i selfish? is it selfish of me to think of only me? what about my husband? i long for him to be a father. and that, i think that's what hurts the worst. for him to stand by and watch me rip myself apart. he knows i blame myself. but as stubborn as i am, what can he do? he blames himself, bc you know it takes 2 to make a thing go right. right? yeah it does...but my wrongs outweigh his wrongs. he deserves to have children. and it downright pains me that i cannot give him any. what kind of wife am i? i can't even do that right. i can't mope. i did for a minute, after the miscarriage, but i dusted myself off and busied myself in work. had to. if i didn't...who knows. i do sometimes think i'd be better off dead. but then i erase that feeling. oh no, i can't have suicidal thoughts...that is something other people do. but i feel worthless. those depressing feelings of "what's it all about"...those "why am i even here" feelings sometimes get the best of me. but then hope shows up. hope. don't see that emotion much, but glad you stopped by..hey, hows it been? that guy shows up just in time. and then sometimes i think...i just have too much time alone with my thoughts. i need to busy myself. and thus, that stupid vicious cycle again.
and there boys and girls, is my turmoil. my anger get the best of me. and i blow up at people who don't deserve my wrath. and i don't mean to be mean. i hate feeling this way. it angers me that i am angry. ugh.
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